while once

while once I was happy, swaying in the foyer, a book in one hand and a glass of chardonnay in the other,
while once I was content, lazing on my couch and watching foreign films and staying awake happy,
while once I was blissful, going to operas and ballets and dinners discussing God and books and life.

while once I could smile, you have stolen that from me.
while once I could laugh, you played the role of Ursula.
while once I could speak, you have subdued me.

I am subdued,
underwater, gasping for breath but only being filled with liquid.
The liquid fills my lungs and it chokes me, suffocates me;
asphyxiation.

But what you don't know is
I still smile
I still laugh
I still speak

when you're not around.